Satire | Washington’s Bayonette Thank goodness—songs in Disney’s new, woke The Little Mermaid live-action remake has been updated to be less sexist and patriarchal and all that evil stuff. “Kiss the Girl,” will now involve Ariel giving consent to be kissed—in case Ariel betraying her father and entire kingdom and selling her voice to a witch to chase the guy wasn’t consent enough.
The good news is, Disney will also be banning many of its other classic songs! Take all that hatred of anything un-woke and Let It Go on these eeeevil tunes!
“Mother Knows Best,” from Tangled – Politicians, activists, teachers, transgenders, drag queens, and other good groomers know that mother—and father—most definitely do not know best when it comes to preventing children from cross-dressing, changing their names, hacking off body parts, and making other irrevocable life decisions at the ripe ages of four or fifteen.
“I’ll Make a Man Out of You,” from Mulan – AAAHHHHAAHHH!!! Men! Being manly is good! MEN! AAAAHHHH!!
“Always Let Your Conscience Be Your Guide,” from Pinocchio – NO! Always let the government be your guide! Have no will of your own, you racist, sexist, transphobic peon!
“You Can Fly,” from Peter Pan – No, you cannot fly. Your conservative memes online have put you on an FBI watch list and now you are going to jail. Plus, another pandemic lockdown is coming for—something. No airplane flights for you!
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