SATIRE: Post Halloween, the Undead Have Taken Over DC

Satire: A new terrifying post-Halloween report out of our nation’s Capital is that blood-sucking, brainless undead creatures have taken over control of our government.

“ICE CREEEEAAAMM!” moaned a zombie with vacant stare, stumbling and tumbling down a flight of stairs, his completely black eyes rolling. The creature then began sniffing a little kid’s hair, evidently to determine if the girl had brains which he could eat. The zombie had started to nibble on a baby before two aides came running, shouting, “Mr. President, Mr. President, no eating the guests!”

Another creature of the night was haunting the White House, pretending—very unconvincingly—to be human. “It’s time for us to do what we have been doing, and that time is every day,” cackled the witch, hurling a bust of Winston Churchill at a terrified aide. “The significance of the passage of time, so when you think about it there is great significance to passage of time,” the witch went on, hurling a desk at a nearby person. “There is such great significance to the passage of time. Is the President dead yet?” We are grieved to confirm that several individuals have already been hospitalized for insanity and broken ribs due to the incessant evil laughter and preternatural strength of the monster calling herself “First Female HAHAHAAAA President.”

The Capitol building was likewise overtaken by monsters. “ME WANT MONEY” shouted Frankenstein’s Monster, lumbering through the Senate chamber, absurdly dressed in a sweat jacket that said “I believe in Bigfoot.”